...do everything with a cigarette in your hand

you think time would let all the emotions run dry. you think time would eventually stop you from seeking to find their gaze. but its working in the opposite for me. Time only heightens my feelings- it reminds me why i wanted you in the first place- why my heart skipped three beats every time i saw you. Our story ended a long time ago, and there definitely will not be a sequel to it, still why am i fooling myself that a second script is nearly ready.  i am not well.  my eyes dont shed tears. my heart is not bleeding to remind me of reality. nothing is showing signs of what i feel. only because my body is burnt. its charred. its forgotten. To function is not a part of its script. 

why is your presence still in existence in my life? why after 5months do i still think of you? you treated me like dirt, like that annoying chewy stuck on the sole of your shoe that you scrub off so hard. yet i still reached for my phone and scrambled your number only to encounter heartache. why? why? why? i cannot be left alone in my thoughts anymore-every blink your touch is felt upon me. stop. i tell myself. cut it out. yet its the hardest thing to do. i try to. i really do. but my conscious quivers with the slightest trigger. your name. the place you work. your uni. even the god forsaken car park where we both coincidentally use. please leave me alone for the love of God.  my lips my hands my skin yearns for you, but i dont think my weak body can handle it anymore 

So sick of being mistreated…another night of pure darkness